Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.
How could Bernard Manning be a racist when he had four black horses pulling his coffin?
I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy!
I've got a phone, answer machine, TV set, computer, hand grenade - everything you need to run a business in Los Angeles.
Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.